What Might Have Been

So, today is the date that was originally assigned to me as a potential due date. A date when Ben and I could anticipate the birth our little one. A day to put an end to the childless fun we had been enjoying for 4 years. So, today, I feel a great mixture of emotions.
First of all I feel empty. Not empty like I felt when I miscarried and was truly, physically, empty. But empty in the sense that my arms have no baby to hold. That our house is empty of baby things. That our hearts are empty of the extent of love that would be flowing out to our little addition. Empty, in a way that words can't describe. Empty, in a sense I've never felt before.
I also feel sorrow. While the idea of having kids has always scared us deep to our cores, we believed ourselves ready for that next step in life. We believed that our fears, while warranted on some levels, would decrease with time, and the joys would win out. So on this day, sorrow consumes me. Sorrow that I have yet to feel the joys that other parents feel. Sorrow that we never got the chance to meet the one the Lord created from the two of us. Sorrow, that we do indeed have a child in heaven, but while others talk about their kids, we are simply not allowed to speak of ours as openly.
Thirdly, I feel disappointed. Disappointed in myself for not carrying the baby to term. Disappointed in myself for not always trusting God's plan for us. Disappointed in my disappointment.
Yet somehow, I can also find a degree of joy. And this, well, it seems wrong almost. But it still exists. A tiny bit of joy creeps in today. Not enough to over shadow the other feelings, but enough to hopefully help me make it through the day. Joy, of being able to come and go as we please, without worrying about a sitter, without worrying about if it's an appropriate setting for a child. Joy of knowing that we are able to go to Spain, only because of our loss. Joy that I get AT LEAST one more summer of having this figure (not that it's perfect, but I only anticipate it will get worse). Joy that we have been able to save a bit more money before having little ones on a daily basis. And MOSTLY, joy in knowing that Ben and I can make it through even this, with a stronger, deeper love for one another. Admittedly, not something I would have thought we could do 8 months ago. Joy, that God does provide, and that his plan is far greater than any we could ever imagine!
So, on this day, I do my best to look at the bright side of things. To see things as God sees them. To put my trust in Him alone.
And yet, I can't seem to shake the feeling of "what might have been". I'm not sure if that feeling will ever go away. And I'm not sure that I want it to!